what is wrong with this paragrah?

On a personal note, though, I am sorry for your loss. When will people learn that drinking and driving is just plain dumb?

some spelling and punctuation errors which I have put between large spaces. I have also divided it into what I consider appropriate paragraphs.

On September 29, 2001 I received the sad news about Aunt Valerie and Uncle Jim. At 10:32 pm I received a call from my mother, Emily, saying my aunt Valerie (age 27) and Uncle Jim (age 29) had been in a terrible car accident.

They had been hit by a drunk driver , while driving home from work on highway 694 West in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Something happened this day that would change lives forever, an accident that would result in many lives being lost. A Chevrolet pickup behind my Aunt and Uncle’s 2004 black Honda rear – ended them.

The pick – up (with a drunk driver behind the wheel) was trying to pass my aunt and uncle’s vehicle ,but in the process of changing lanes ,the pickup got hit by another passing vehicle ,causing the ( pick-up = it) to crash into the Honda. Upon impact, my uncle’s car flipped over and landed in a ditch full of water.

The paramedic and Fire Department arrived on the scene to find Jim not breathing. Although they made every attempt to revive my uncle, nothing worked and they pronounced him dead at the scene. The driver of the truck was also pronounced dead at the scene. And fire department mention (ed) the main cause of this accident (as being NOT

…was because…. ) the drive (driver) of the pick – up (who) was intoxicated and driving to (too) fast. My Aunt Valerie was rushed to North Memorial Hospital in inneapolis, Minnesota with serious head and body injuries. Later that night at 11:36 two nurses and a doctor gather (ed) to tell our family, Valerie , did not make it.

Jim and Valerie were very caring parents, well educated, and too young to have died this way .They leave behind three young children ages two, four, and six years old. Valerie was about to graduate from college as a RN. Since the accident the children have had to move in with Grandma Rosemary to support and raise them. They struggle a lot (alot) and miss their parents dearly. These children should not have (*have had to) to suffer pain and lose their family this way.

My family’s life has been changed forever and life will never be the same. We can never have my Aunt Valerie and Uncle Jim back. This is why I feel any one who is thinking about driving a vehicle while intoxicated should think twice before they get behind a steering wheel and take someone else life way or their own.

*This correction is strictly correct, but I ust admit it sounds a little pedantic and I don’t think a marker or tutor would strongly object to it as it stands in your original.

I hope this helps.