***Can you write an amusing short story that incorporates these random phrases?

“Johnny, what are you doing!?” asked the mayor.

“telling a short story,” he replied.

“well what are you saying?”

“just the facts, maam.”

“excuse me, what did you say?”

“you didn’t here me?”

“no, now come closer and say it to my face.”

“CLOSER!? all right. i’ll be right back…….i have to throw up first.”

“WHAT?!”

“if i don’t do it first i’ll do it on you.”

“fine.”

coming back,”DANG, there’s a cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in the bathroom.”

“that’s ridiculous. are you sure?”

“you heard what i said, you over-grown mama’s boy!!”

“you are horrid.”

“wax on. wax off.”

“what was that?”

“i just waxed off your insult. haven’t you ever seen the karate kid? i could paint the fence with your insults.”

“you are crazy. you need to see a doctor.”

“why does everyone think i’m paranoid?”

hope you enjoy. that question was genius!

Maam I am here to investigate this crime and I will be fact finding. I just want the facts maam or just the facts, maam so what is it that happened. I’;; be right back… I have to throw up first I can feel it coming on and it’s going to be a mess and I do not want to mess up your nice floor. Did you hear that? Why does everyone think I am paranoid?! I mean I have only been a cop 20 years and it is dangerous out there. Maam I just went into the bathrrom and there is a cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in the bathroom. I am calling the city to have your house condemed. Yeah and Steve you be quite. You heard what I said, you over-grown mama’s boy!! Steve I think it is time for you to join the military they will toughen you up. While your at it start by cleaning my car Steve you know how to do that don’t you son wax on: wax off.

Investigation ended.

Why does everyone think that I’m paranoid that there is a cockroach the size of my foot, blowdrying his or her hair in the bathroom? You heard what I said, you over-grown mama’s boy, it’s just the facts people…….I’ll be right back…I have to throw up first,…… because he OR she is doing a wax on or a wax off job and it is not pretty.

i walked into the bathroom to find a cockroach the size of my foot blwodrying his hair in the bathroom. i screamed, “oh ma gawd! there is a cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in the bathroom.” my friend who was spending the night over said, “what?” “you heard what i said, you over-grown mama’s boy!!” (we insult each other for fun.) he said “don’t be paranoid. what have you been sniffing now?” “why does everyone think i’m paranoid?! that man in the barney the dinosaur suit WAS out to get me! and he wanted more than a hug i can assure you!”

the cockraoch had finished blwodrying his hair and was now putting gel into it. i had to get rid of it somehow and i was not going anywhere near it. so, in a moment of panic, i called the police. they said, “just the facts, ma’am.” when i told them about the cockroach. i said, “those ARE the facts” but they told me to call the newspaper. i went back into the bathroom to see if it was gone or not. of course i couldn’t be that lucky. it asked me, “do you have any wax strips?” “uh. wha–?” “don’t act so surprised. i’m the godd*mn pinnalce of evolution, i can talk and use a blow-dryer. and i badly need wax strips. ah–i’ve found them.” he read off the box, “wax on. wax off. perfect! could you stay in case i need some help?” he then proceeded to wax himself, quietly singing “fergalicious”. the irony does not escape me. at the sight of its legs, which made a caveman’s look pearly smooth, i said, “i’ll be right back….i have to throw up first.” i did so, vowing to move as soon as possible.

Jack was a crime investigator and he was the best in the region of L.A. One sunny day a fellow walked in to his office. He was going to tell Jack about a murder but he said,” I’ll be right back……… I have to throw up first.” Jack was amused when he came back and said,”There is a cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in the bathroom.” “What!?!?”, said Jack. “You heard what I said, you over-grown mama’s boy!!” “It’s just the facts, man” Why does everyone think I’m paranoid?!” ” I dont” said Jack. Jack woke up it was only a dream he wondered why he had woken up at 2:45 AM he did becuase his wife was having a dream about waxing her legs. She was saying “Wax on. Wax off.”

THE END

jack works at the carwash. he loves his job. he washes cars. one day a lady came up to him and asked, “can u wash bird poop off of my car?” he begun to feel sick, and yelled, “I”LL BE RIGHT BACK……. I HAVE TO THROW UP FIRST!” she exclaimed ,”what?!??!” “WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM PARANOID???” jack screamed on his way to the restroom. “YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID, YOU OVERGROWN MAMA’S BOY!!” the little old lady exclaimed. jack didnt take notice. 10 minutes later jack stumbled back the the main office and back into the ladys cold stare. “im sorry, there is a cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in te bathroom.” “oh what now!” mumbled the lady. “just the facts, maam.” the lady was not getting any happier as time passed. “ok ill wash that…. ummm…. poo (gag) of ur car now. here i go.” jack stumbled out the door and sung in his head, “wax on, wax off. wax on, wax off.” there,” jack said. “all clean.” THE END

Sitting up, I looked at my watch.

“Three A.M”? I said aloud

It was three A.M. and the last thing I could remembered was sitting at the red light on Walnut and Main and waiting for the light to change about midnight.

Now I was sitting in my car about three miles from town in a ditch full of water and in a state of confusion.

Just then a deputy leaned toward my car and tapped the driver’s side window with his baton. Startled, I turned to where the sound was coming from and there stood the funniest looking man I’d ever seen in my life. He looked like a cross between Ronald McDonald and Howdy Dowdy in a Smokey hat. The man had so many freckles on his face, you could play connect the dot for hours and not find them all.

“Step out of the car Maam” he drawled in a perfect imitation of a dim witted Rhett Butler.

“In case you haven’t noticed…my car is in a ditch full of water” I replied.

“I still need you to step out of the car pleeeeze Maam” he repeated.

opening my car, cold water immediately rushed in. My legs submerged, I stepped into the ditch and began the climb up the embankment, when all of a sudden my sandal stuck. Unfortunately I kept going…face down …tumbling..tumbling tumbling into the water.

“Can you..like…give me a hand here officer”? I asked somewhat sarcastically,

“Are you asking me to come into that water to help you Maam”? he replied like a dolt.

“You heard what I said, you over grown mama’s boy” I yelled.

Extending his hand, I pulled myself up the embankment to the highway.

“Have you been drinking” he asked

” Yeah sure, there’s a full bar in the back seat and a waiter to boot” I replied

“No smart azz remarks ..Just the facts, maam, now how did you end up in that ditch…I don’t see any skid marks”? he asked.

“I’ll be right back……..I have to throw up first”. I said as I flew down the road feeling horribly ill.

Returning I found Officer Howdy Mc Donald writing on a clip board.

Now Maam, can you tell me exactly how you ended up in this ditch?” he again asked.

“Well Officer, it was like this…I was waxing my eyebrows..you know..wax on wax off when all of a sudden in marches my overbearing mother-in-law. ..well I look up and there’s this cockroach the size of my foot blowdrying his hair in the bathroom”

I said “Mother Myers is that you?”

and the cockroach responded “No it’s the mormon tabernacle choir you fool….. and it looks like it’s time for a medication change…you know it is time to change meds when you become psychotic”

“Why does everyone think I’m paranoid???”.

The cockroach replied because you are looney toons, you know…coo-coo for coco puffs, elevator don’t go to the top floor, off your rocker…need I go on????”

Well Officer, I ran out of the house and jumped in my car. I don’t remember much after that. I think I experienced an alien abduction.

“And what makes you think that?” he inquired

“Sybil told me” I replied

“Sybil?” he looked somewhat leery at asking

“Uh-Huh…that’s my other personality I replied giving him my best What ever happened to Baby Jane..Betty Davis look.

“Weeeell maam, I’m gonna go back to the station now, I’m sure you will make it just fine”

As he drove off, I made my way back to the car for another slug of Wild Turkey and giggled “it works everytime”!!

The End

wax off the cockroach

Alice, Mrs. Butterworth, and the jar of generic peanut butter carried on a conversation at the kitchen counter while Alice made pancakes for breakfast and sandwiches for the kids’ lunches. Alice really didn’t care much for Mrs. Butterworth’s snobbish brand-name ways, but she liked generic peanut butter, so friendly and down to earth. She would miss him when he was gone, would definitely buy him again. Naturally, Mrs. Butterworth liked to point out what she thought were peanut butter’s social liabilities. “You remind me of Peter Pan…. Don’t smile… It wasn’t a compliment!” she gibed. “He always prances around the counter in those little green tights! And the things I’ve heard about Tinkerbell! I don’t think that even the BEST peanut butter really leads a respectable life. Spending all that time sandwiched between two pieces of bread and wrapped up in Saran wrap. It just isn’t normal. Don’t you agree, Alice?” Before Alice could say anything- she really didn’t want to- peanut butter chimed in: “Certainly I’m normal… well… sort of. I mean, you know, there is that thing with me and jelly, and I do like to spend some time with bread, and being wrapped in the plastic wrap is…” The conversation was briefly interrupted when Alice opened the fridge and pulled out a carrot. The carrots were always talkative and cheerful, thought Alice. She was tired of Mrs. Butterworth and peanut butter was telling more than she wanted to know at breakfast time. Mrs. Butterworth humphed at the carrot. “You look like Ernie from Sesame Street. That orange face and that mop of leaves like uncombed hair.” Carrot loved detective shows himself, wondered why Mrs. B. would watch Sesame Street. Detective-like thought probably because she happened to be left on the counter while it was on. Realized she wasn’t everything she thought she was- she wasn’t all THAT! “True enough. Mystery solved, Mrs. B. And you look quite a little bit like rubber ducky, yourself, all plastic and yellowish like that. Would you like to take a bath with me?” he asked as he heard Alice turn on the tap. Peanut butter laughed, and Mrs. Butterworth spluttered. “WELL, I never….” she snapped, then stopped in mid sentence. All conversation ceased. Alice rolled her eyes and considered putting them all back in the refrigerator to end the bickering, albeit she found it somewhat amusing. “It would appear that my guardian angels are Abbot and Costello, and that even making meals must be a slapstick”, she thought. “What would Sunshine MacGillicutty say at a time like this? Sunshine is bright, sunshine is happy, so she’d say something that would make everyone HAPPY again!” thought Alice. Instead, she yelled aloud but to herself “To the moon, Alice!! to the moon!!” And to the others: “If you can’t get along, I’ll just start taking my kids to McDonald’s for every meal.” She shook her finger at Mrs. B. “You drive me crazy and right now I want to get as far away from you as I can.” Mrs. Butterworth saw her chance to take control of the situation. “Now dear, you know that isn’t healthy for the children, and you know how much they love me. You just calm down now and things will be fine.” Alice realized nothing would ever change. She threw Mrs. Butterworth in the trash and resolved to buy generic syrup henceforth. Mrs. B. was highly indignant and continued to emit highly uncharacteristic sounds from the trash can for the rest of the day whenever someone entered the kitchen.

i bleed grape jelly