can some one help me with my paragrah? whats wrong with this should I add or delet something…?

My aunt and uncle had been hit by a drunk driver while driving home from work on highway 694 West in Minneapolis, Minnesota. A Chevrolet pickup being driving behind Uncle Jim’s 2004 black Honda rear ended them. The driver, while drunk, was trying to pass my Uncle Jim’s vehicle. While attempting to change lanes, the pickup was hit by an oncoming vehicle which caused the pickup to crash into my Uncle Jim’s Honda.

Upon impact, the Honda flipped over and landed in a ditch full of water. Paramedics and the Fire Department personnel arrived on scene to find Jim not breathing. Although they made every attempt to revive my him, nothing worked and they pronounced Uncle Jim dead at the scene. The driver of the truck was also pronounced dead at the scene. Aunt Valerie was rushed to North Memorial Hospital in Minneapolis, Minnesota, with serious head and body injuries.

Later that night, at 11:36 pm, medical personnel gathered to inform our family that Aunt Valerie did not make it.

Jim and Valerie were very caring parents, well educated, and too young to have died this way. They leave behind three children aged two, four and six years old. Valerie was about to graduate from college as a RN. Since the accident the children have had to move in with their Grandma Rosemary. They struggle a lot and miss their parents dearly. These children should not have to suffer pain and lose there family this way. My family’s life has been changed forever and life will never be the same. We can never have my Aunt Valerie and Uncle Jim back.

Perhaps if you are thinking about driving a vehicle while intoxicated you should think twice before you get behind a steering wheel.

one important detail is that you claim to have heard the news on 2001, and then say that your uncle and aunt were driving a 2004 car.

another thing that bothered me:

At 10:32 pm I received a call from my mother, Emily, saying unk driver while driving home from work on highway 694 West in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Something happened this day that would change lives forever, an accident that would result in many lives being lost.

in these few lines you repeat the fact that there was an accident far too many times. i would suggest something like this:

on September 29, 2001, at 10:32 pm I received a call from my mother, Emily. Something happened this day that would change lives forever, an accident that would result in many lives being lost. A Chevrolet pickup behind my Aunt and Uncle’s 2004 black Honda rear ended them .The pickup (with a drunk driver behind the wheel) was trying to pass my aunt and uncle vehicle ,but in the process of changing lanes….. and so on.

note that you should say >drunk< driver, not drink. also: later that night, at 11:36 >[pm]< -there is no need to say pm if you said it's at night, there is no 11:36 pm in the morning! two nurses and a doctor, not nurse. the children miss their parents, not there. you should go back and check for more minor errors, because these are only a few that caught my eye and i could have missed things. lastly, you should know that this should not be one paragraph at all! this text is far too long for that. you should try starting a new paragraph every time you start a new topic. this is how i see it- i put the beginning of each paragraph. on September..... a Chevrolet pickup.... my aunt Valerie.... jim and valerie... since the accident....