Puns and puns of fun. Its 10 Points to the winner!?

Two girls were talking about their weight. One says to the other, “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.”

A camel’s coat was so close in color to the desert sands that some called him the “invisible dromedary.” He wasn’t invisible, he was just well camel-flaged.

Elvis Presley steakhouse?? It’s for people who love meat tender.

I always wondered why the ball looked bigger as it got closer to me, and then it hit me.

A monorail enthusiast has a one-track mind.

Old kings never die. They just get throne away.

Did you hear about the man who dreamed first that he was a car’s muffler and then part of a wheel?? He woke up exhausted and tired.

Definition of a will?? It’s a dead give-away.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you’ll get repossessed.

When the smog lifts in southern California, U C LA.

Confucius say man who watch too much football soon wear out his end zone.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron,” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

“Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home. That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,” “Is it common?” Doctor says “It’s Not Unusual.”

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning,” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

17 .Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

How’s this?…..

Crystal balls are hard to swallow.

The bull serves the righteous, but the wicked serve the bull.

My geneology? Why, I’m from one of the Twelve Tribes of Miserable! I preach from The Book of Malarky, and my favorite prophet is Iseeya-Isawya, a.k.a. ‘I Told-You-So’. I got saved when I read ‘The Gospel of Luck’, (some say it is properly entitled, ‘The Gospel of Fluke’) and then once I got Lucky, I joined The Church of the Latter-Day Profits. My girlfriend was a southern Jezebell, but I got fed up with her…she was from the ‘I-Wanna-Freebie tribe’. I HATE bigots, and I just CAN’T STAND intolerant people! I just CAN’T WAIT to learn patience!!! All my friends are just enemies under the influence…I once took a trip to Passa-Gassa texas, but I needed some belief and drove to Mylanta instead…etc…etc…

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What’s the Question?

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was on the deck

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit

What happens if you run behind a car?
You get exhausted

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was intents

The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking
But the invention of the broom was the on that truly swept the nation

How do you drown a Hipster?
In the Mainstream

What do you call a man with no body or nose?
Nobody nose

Did you hear about that angry pancake?
He just flipped

What do you call a window that raps?
2PANEZ

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

I once knew a woman who always had diarrhea. She said it was hereditary – it ran in her jeans.

I went to my psychiatrist and told him “I’m a teepee, no I’m a wigwam.” He replied “the problem is your too tense.”