Hey Im Looking for good funny quotes does any one know any?

after being over sea’s for three years,

during ww2 two southern Americans soldiers are in a fox hole. reading letters from home , Obie from Tennessee. states congratulate me boys my wife just had a 7 pound baby boy, his new york friend Say’s hey Obie you been over here for three years don’t you think that’s a little long from your wife?

Obie says what’s wrong with that?

there’s 7 years between my sister and me.

Booger from Better Off Dead: “I’ve been in this high school for seven years, and I’m no dummy.”

Mr. White from Reservoir Dogs: “You shoot me in a dream and you better wake up and apologize.”

Bubba and Forest from Forest Gump: “Have you ever been on a real shrimp boat?” “No, but I’ve been on a real big boat before.”

Yankee to the Page from A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain: “You’re a page? Ha! You’re not but a paragraph.”

Matthew McConnaghay in Dazed and Confused: “That’s what I like about these high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age.”

Quagmire on Family Guy: “In the 70’s I was in bed by 8:00. And home by 11:00.”

-Constipated people don’t give a crap

-The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates

-The ability to laugh off an akward situation has saved many people thier social life

-The devil acme to me last night in my sleep and asked me what i wanted in exchange for my soul.I still can’t believe i said pizza. Friggin PMS cravings.

-Why does sea world have a seafood restaurant,im halfway through my fish burger and realize,o my god… i could be eating a slow learner.

-The more people i meet the more i like my dog

-we are born naked wet and hungry and then things get worse.

-You laugh because im differernt….i laugh b/c i just farted.

-It’s 106 miles to Chicago,we have a full tank of gas,half a packet of cigarettes,it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses…HIT IT

-Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms,and if you haven’t any the commercials will give you some.

I didn’t write down any of the speakers.

!. ‘Tis better to be thought a fool than to speak up and remove any doubt. (Ben Franklin)

2 . Never argue with an idiot, in case those listening around you may not be able to tell the difference. (Author unknown)

3. If we had ham, we’d have ham and eggs…if we had some eggs. (Carl Sandburg)

4. I’ve had a wonderful evening. Unfortunately this wasn’t it. (Groucho Marx)

5. Be nice to those you meet on the way up; you’re likely to see them again on the way back down. (heard in “The Honeymooners”)

6 . (SAID TO A JERK); Please bring me a ladder…and when you do, climb right up on it and kiss my ***. (from a Burt Reynolds movie)

7. Your mother ALWAYS hated me, Alice. Right after the wedding she went around saying I didn’t lose a daughter, I gained a “ton”. (Honeymooners again)

look on the mind-blowing section…… which you will raise your basket to church without it smelling of rotten vinegar ridden easter eggs. 7.03 feet is soooooooo plenty extra suitable than 7.5. Thank god for erosion! Your females won’t borrow your shoes, walk in on you in the bathtub, or thieve your chocolate easter bunny. (yet another marvelous factor of no longer getting any candy in the 1st difficulty!! See how this works??) your loved ones sucking is a different concepts-set to place mutually for the sucking of your boyfriend’s kin as quickly as you tie the knot. no longer something like being arranged I consistently say. *smiles* Have a pitcher of wine….. and revel in the day! delighted Easter!

The attached link in ‘source’ will take you to the pages of a site that are dedicated to old fashioned american humor quotes.

If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

Albert Einstein

confucious say

man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger

Yes, I know some.