%% Can you write a few paragraphs that include these phrases?

ack. my friend and i just spent three months in jail, because i had tried to sing and my voice was so bad, it was a violation of the geneva convention. i vowed to myself that i’d never sing in public again. i got fired from my job because my boss heard about how i was a “criminal”. i got a new job as a waitress at the diner down the street. i’m a pretty crap waitress. i have this inability to function normally in social interactions with strangers, and most people piss me off anyway. especially hungry ones. uh-oh. sounds like a disaster in the making.

it was the noontime rush, which meant it was just about hell. a toothpick-skinny, gum-chewing, beach-blonde girl walked in, chittering into a pink cellphone. “OMG!!like, Kevin Costner just told me he’d call me! he is -omigod!- SO HOTT! and the way he said my name, it was just, like-omigod! SO CUTE!” already, i had developed a mortal hatred for her. but she spotted me. “hey, you! you’re supposed to wait on me, right?” i swore under my breath, and said, “how may i help you?” “i want a diet coke.” “that’s it?” “–his last girlfriend–uh, yeah, that’s it.–was-omigod!- i heard she has cellulite-omigod!-isn’t that, like, SO GROSS!” “are all the vending machines out or something?” i asked sarcastically. “what? omigod! this waitress is, like, SO RUDE!” to prevent myself from strangling her, i got her diet coke. “here you go” i said. “and what what your ego like for lunch?” “what? omigod! what’s an ego? stop using big words!” she took a teeny sip of the coke, and said, “ew! this, like, tastes like a**.” “wow! how you figure that out? mabye you read the label?” “omigod!” her lip curled.

“was that before or after she spit at you?” my therapist asked. “before. and she missed. even though she was about a foot from my face. so then i spit back at her. and i said ‘i believe you lost this.’ and then she stormed out shrilling into that cellphone, “OMIGOD! this waitress just spit on me! i didn’t even do anything to her!” i started laughing. “tell me again WHY that is so funny, “said my therepist. “and her voice. Dang! She sounds like a deranged peacock! with double the ego size, that is.” “okay, well your session is over for today. see you next time.” “hee haw and happy summer.” i replied, resolving to quit my job immediately.

p.s. you inspired me to make my own one of these (except i used quotes from a tv show). check it out if you have the time.

It seemed like a great job for the summer, going to work on Mackinaw Island. My friend had worked there last summer. She said that you would get to meet interesting people amongst all the fudge.

So after a few weeks, we finally got a whole day off and went to lunch at the “Grand”, where she worked.

As I walked up to the table I could tell she was bursting at the seams to tell me something.

“OMG!! Kevin Costner is here!! staying at the Grand!

I went get his dinner order this last night and OMG!! Kevin Costner just told me that he would like to do a movie here and I could be in it!!!!!!”

“Yea, right”, I said. “And what would your ego like for lunch? I am starved OR do you now have an assistant to order for you?” with sarcasm dripping from my voice.

“Tell me again WHY that is so funny”, she replied laughingly.

“You couldn’t remember stage left or stage right for the high school play and knocked over the lead during your scene, remember?”

So after we had a good laugh, we were ready to order. That is when our wait person emerged from the kitchen, evidently having heard a good joke herself. “Dang, she sounds like a deranged peacock!”, I said.

“I know”, my friend said. ” And just to warn you, she just got braces for the summer.”

“What has that got to do with anything?”

“Well, we were getting to know each other on the first day, and she was speaking with some of us and let’s just say she had not gotten used to having them yet. She tends to spray a little when she talks sometimes!”

“Yuck!!!”, I responded suddenly not feeling so hungry.

My friend then leaned forward and said, “OMG, that is not the worst part. She ended up being chosen as our wait person for practice earlier in the day.”

“Was that before or after she spit at you?”

“Well, it was before. I know it was not on purpose but the whole day, OMG, that was all I could think about, was it in my food! But she is a really nice girl, and we talked with her about it and now she knows to stand back a bit from the customers.”

“I wonder if Kevin Costner will cast her in his movie, too!”

“Well, she does have an unusual saying that makes her memorable with the customers. ‘Hee Haw and happy summer’.

” I hope his movie is a comedy”

“Let’s just eat”

OK, here goes…

We found our seats at the Metropolitan Opera House, fantastic orchestra seats that my boss, Ms. Spraysay, had given me as part of my year-end bonus.

“Man, are we lucky to get these seats!” I said proudly. “Can’t believe Spraysay gave these to me!”

“Yuh, was that before or after she spit at you?” my sister sniggered, having met Spraysay on previous occasions.

Suddenly the audience to my left stirred, hushed voices whispered audibly “is that really HIM?” “Oh my god, look who it is!” Kevin Costner took a seat in the row in front of me, one seat over to the left.

“Wow, check it!” I nudged my sis.

“This is so cool, I’ve never been so close to a celeb before!” she beamed.

“Ok, quit your droolin’, he’s just a guy.”

The curtain rose and Diva Callas’ voice rose higher and higher…

“Dang! She sounds like a deranged peacock!” Costner said, slapping his knee. My sister started cackling so loudly, the usher escorted us firmly out into the corridor, and booted us out of the building. Sis was still laughing.

“Ok, tell me again WHY that is so funny!?” I hissed. “I wanted to see that opera! Just cause Costner said it, it was so HILARIOUS??!”

Sis harumphed and stormed away. Suddenly, the door burst open and Costner, seeing my sister heading toward the street, trotted up to her, touched her arm and spoke, smiling. He handed a slip of paper to her, and returned into the building.

Sis came running over..”Oh My GOD!! Kevin COSTNER just told me to meet him, to bring you too, at Spago’s tomorrow at noon!

“And what would your ego like for lunch?” I smirked, secretly very delighted. We walked to the corner, hailed a cab. Once inside, we both looked at each other and started laughing, giving high fives.

“What are you lovely ladies all stoked about?” the driver asked, infected with our glee.

“We got just got kicked out of the opera, and invited to lunch with Kevin Costner!”

“Well, Hee Haw and happy summer to ya both!” He chuckled. “Only in New York…only in New York”…

The Costner factor really threw me. Thanks it was fun…