@# How about writing an amusing few paragraphs that include these phrases?

I was in Tijuana looking for a place that served some good chocolate burritos for desert. I had the best tacos from a little stand on the side of the road and I figured that there’s nothing like a little food poisoning to top off a meal. I found the chocolate burritos and devoured them. Unfortunately, as I was finishing the last bite I realized that it was not chocolate sauce on the burritos.

I suddenly felt like I was in a bad B-horror flick. My eyes went blurry and I bumped into someone who asked, “Welcome to Earth. And YOU are?” I decided that I needed to find a doctor asap, which was difficult since I was in Tijuana. I wandered the streets looking for someone that resembled a doctor when suddenly I found myself on the doorstep of a very odd looking hospital. It vaguely resembled the Millenium Falcon.

I stumbled inside and asked the wookie at the front desk for a doctor. He had me take a seat next to a small green man with pointy ears who kept asking me “Haven’t we met before…In one of my nightmares?” I got up and moved across the room to sit next to a small teddy-bear like creature.

After waiting for several minutes the doctor came out to speak with me. My doctor looked like Kevin Costner, but he sounded like Elmer Fudd. He stuttered “Do you have any idea how much I charge?” I showed him a wad of American dollars and he seemed pacified. I told Dr. Costner-Fudd about the chocolate sauce that was not and my strange fuzzy headedness, and a worried look came over his eyes. He said “I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!” At which point, I promptlly passed out.

I woke up the next morning in the middle of the woods surrounded by the little teddy bear like creatures. I decided that this was better than wandering the streets of Tijuana and have stayed there ever since.

“haven’t we met before….in one of my nightmares?” i asked the guy standing next to me at the bus stop. he said, “well, welcome to Earth. and YOU are?” “hello? you stalked me. but i must say, you look very differetn without that ridiculous Barney suit. if you’re going to stalk me like that, the next kind of suit you’ll be wearing will be a staitjacket!” his face turned the color of a beet. “do you have any idea how much i spent on that suit?!” “you could have stolen it.” “it was actually very cheap. look, to make up for embarassing you, can i take you to dinner?” “as long as you’re the one paying.” at the end of the meal, i said, “nothing like a little food poisoning to top off a meal.” he replied, “very aptly spoken.” we bonded over the various ways we could empty our stomachs into the one toilet in the one bathroom at the same time without touching each other, not even our hair. it got rather messy, to say the least so we just gave up and touched. i said, “i may pass out. or i may go to the dark side.” he said, “i don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. no going to the dark side!” so i passed out. i woke up in a hospital. my doctor looked like Kevin Costener, but he sounded like Elmer Fudd. in the next room was my stalker. his doctor had an unnerving resembleance to Elmer Fudd, but his voice was pure Costner. ahh, the night of my life, i thought.

My friend Jeff invited my girlfriend Mavis and me to his apartment for dinner. Jeff was a good friend. He had lent me money when I needed it. He had been a good drinking buddy, until he started working nights in the juvenile facility. Now his free nights were few and far between, and so I seized every opportunity to see him. The problem was, working in juvie had darkened his demeanor considerably.

There was also another problem. As good a friend as Jeff had been, he was also that bad a cook. This particular night, Jeff had made chili in a crock pot. Unfortunately, he hadn’t browned the beef before he started, and so the whole pot looked like it was filled with a kind of greyish goo.

Mavis felt no particular loyalty to Jeff, so she picked around at the vegetable tray, nibbled on a few crackers, and drank a beer or two.

“Do you have any idea how much I slaved over a hot crockpot?” quipped Jeff, noticing her reticence to dive into the soup.

“I’ll have some in a minute,” Mavis told him, casting the evil eye at me.

It didn’t look particularly great to me, either, but I felt more of an obligation to placate Jeff, so I helped myself to a small portion. “It HAS been cooking for several hours,” I kidded myself. “If there was anything harmful in there, it’s SURELY been rendered harmless by now.”

Boy, was I wrong. I took a few cautious bites, and it tasted HORRIBLE. I waited until Jeff went to get himself another beer, and I poured the remainder of my chili down the toilet. I handed my bowl out to Mavis, closed the door, and flushed.

Nothing like a little food poisoning to top off a meal. It hit me not too much later. I needed Jeff’s bathroom for CERTAIN, then! I was laying on the floor beside his toilet, trying to figure out how to get the energy to lift myself up to use it.

My bowels were in an uproar. I felt lightheaded and the room spun. I must have been pale, too. Jeff was worried. “I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side.” He exclaimed. “No going to the dark side.”

They loaded me into the car and rushed me to the emergency room of a local hospital. I was lucky enough to draw a doctor with a sense of humor, just when I felt the most humorous. My doctor looked like Kevin Costner, but he sounded like Elmer Fudd.

“Welcome to Earth. And YOU are?” he asked by way of introduction.

I just handed him my registration form. I didn’t want to do any extraneous talking, although I couldn’t help quipping, “haven’t we met before . . . in one of my nightmares?”

I think it’s safe to say the rest of Jeff’s chili went uneaten, although it may be preserved in the Food Poisoning Hall of Fame somewhere. After that, Jeff left the cooking to me. He brought the beer.

Sunshine I love you girl but there is no way I could ever live up to your expectations. I am mostly in to poetry and songs.

You are undoubtely the Queen Of Stories!!!

You have kept me amused now for several weeks and I’m speechless when it comes to writing in your prescense.

I give you the Grammy for Story Writing!!!

Who ever gave the thumbs down- You old jealous Grump you!

Gladys planted a last kiss goodbye on the lid of the coffin, and leaned her forehead on the beautiful colors of red, white and blue that covered it. “(2)Do you have any idea how much I miss you?”, she whispered, choking back tears.

When she returned to her seat at the front pew, she noticed a tall, dark man sitting in her place, expectingly looking at her. Right before he was about to offer his condelences, opening his mouth, Gladys beat him to the punch, “(3)Haven’t we met before… In one of my nightmares?” The man took in a sharp breath, bowed his head and without a word, got up and left.

Sally, her sister-in-law, rushed to her side and said, “Honey, I know you are hurting, we are all hurting, but my beloved brother, your dear husband died on the line of duty that he himself had volunteered for. It is natural that you are angry but you can’t direct that anger to unsuspecting people who only wish the best for you. Now, please, for the sake of his memory and the rest of the people in here, control yourself. (4) I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side! You hear me?”

She softened as she heard Gladys let out a pitiful whimper and gently continued, “The person that you just shood away is the new doctor in the hospital, he will be covering your doctor’s shifts while he’s away. Be nice to him.”

Gladys sniffed, “(6)My doctor looked like Kevin Costner; But he sounded like Elmer Fudd”.

Happy to see Gladys getting it together, Sally, in her attempt to distract her beloved sister-in-law further from her grief, offered, ” I’ll take you to your favorite restaurant after this, because I don’t trust this caterer. Once the parfait they served at the end of a wedding reception dinner made me sick. I went to the bathroom so many times that I made friends with the lady that was handing out towels there. There’s (1)nothing like a little food poisoning to top off a meal”.

Gladys smiled at Sally’s attempts in easing her pain, and quietly bowed her head and rested her forehead on her clasped hands and let her mind roll back to the days when she and her beloved buckaroo had first met.

She was out on an easter picnic with the members of her church and their children, and she was watching her little niece skipping around in a field of daisies, with a straw basket swinging on her arm, gleefully trying to find the painted easter eggs.

She was trying to catch a picture of the little girl in her camera and she kept backing up for a better perspective, when she suddenly bumped into a wall of muscle. She whirled around to stare at the broadest chest she had ever seen, and as she lifted her gaze into the eyes that were attached to that body, she felt her breath leave her own body. It was probably nothing other than the result of having been under the sun without wearing a hat that long, but, to her later embaressment, she actually fainted.

Shortly after, as she was coming to, the first thing she ever saw were those eyes that were the last thing she had seen before she blacked out. The face with the eyes, smiled broadly at her groggy expression and said good naturedly, “(5)Welcome to Earth. And YOU are?”………..

That is how they had met, and the rest was history. Their love had become a legend in town and there wasn’t a single dry eye at their wedding as they exchanged their hand-written wows.

Gladys lifted her head up from her prayer position and looked at the flag-wrapped coffin and silenly uttered a prayer. Then she said, “Goodbye my darling. You have always been my hero, but now, you are the whole nation’s hero. We’ll meet again, on the other side. Just wait for me”.

Then as a warmth spread through her heart easing the coldness of the clenching pain, she realized that he would. She knew that as he entered those golden gates, he wouldn’t go around his way to enjoy the heaven; No, sir, not her beloved buckaroo; He would find himself a bench and sit and wait for her sothat eventually they would continue living their love story, in the land of eternal sunshine….

THE END